Inspired by Psalm 73:23-24
It’s been a year.
Joy and hurt. Victory and loss. Life and death. Love and heartbreak. Peace and chaos. Trust and anxiety. Looking back, I feel like 2020 has been a glorified “yo-yo” in many ways. Lots of ups and downs, lots of good and bad, lots of continually changing circumstances. As I was driving the other night, I was overcome by emotion when thinking about the past year of my life. So much has changed. I’ve changed.
2020 was the year that my job as a physical therapist was completely transformed. I moved from consistency and knowing exactly what to expect the next day to having no clue what to expect not only the next day, but the next hour at times, making it the year of adaptation and flexibility. With the influx of COVID-19, I have seen far more pain, tears, sickness, and even death, than I ever expected to see as a physical therapist, and I pray I will never have to see it to this extent ever again. It was the year that the entire medical field pushed through feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress, and put the needs of the patient over their own. It was the year I made it my goal to smile as big as possible, even if I did not feel like it, in hopes that my patients will be able to see the smile in my eyes and see joy and hope in the midst of the chaos.
In my personal life, 2020 was also the year of heartbreak at times, but it was the year I was able to say a confident “YES” to marrying a wonderful man who I’ve been praying for and writing letters to since middle school. It was the year that God sent an army of people to support me and be by my side as I was wrestling with many different things, both with current and past circumstances, that continue to shape who I am. It was the year that marks some of the biggest obstacles I’ve faced, mentally, physically, emotionally, and within my faith life.
A few years ago, I received a card in the mail from a friend of mine who told me her “word of the year” - a word which came to her and she would be praying over for the next year. I absolutely loved this idea and I followed suit. I picked a word in both 2019 and 2020. To be completely honest, despite doing well with working through and praying over my word “intentional” in 2019, I have no clue what I picked in 2020. I looked through my journals and I realized I never even wrote my 2020 word down. With all the constant changes going on throughout the year, I didn’t focus on it or even remember it. However, as I was driving in the car (Ironically, it was on the way back from getting my COVID vaccine), I could not help but feel extremely emotional when the word “held” came to my head and heart.
Held. Through all of the circumstances I encountered this year, I confidently say that God never let go. He had me in the palm of His hands, just like He says in His word.
*Through the biggest joys and the most difficult pains, God never let go.
*Through the times I felt like victory was won, as well as times when I felt like I could not break the cycle of taking losses over and over again, God never let go.
*Through the times I was able to see patients rebound and have another chance at life, as well as through the losses and death, God never let go.
*Through the times of greatest love, as well as through the biggest heartbreaks, God never let go.
*Through the times that cannot be described as anything but chaos, as well as the times gifted to me that were exceedingly, unnaturally, peaceful, God never let go.
*Through the times I trusted God without question or doubt, as well as the times I could not get out of the rut that my mind was in with anxious thoughts and doubt, God never let go.
And, through the times that I was tempted to let go, God never let go.
I find the story of Jesus walking on water remarkable in its entirety, but I love the part where Peter steps out of the boat:
Matthew 14:28-31
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?”
Even though Peter steps out of that boat confidently, knowing that Jesus is Lord, he sees the circumstances and begins to doubt. Despite Peter’s doubt, Jesus reaches towards Peter, takes hold of his hand, and pulls him out of the water. King David describes a similar encounter after winning in battle when he says “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.” (2 Samuel 22:17-18). You see, despite the changing circumstances and doubt, God takes hold of His people and pulls them out. He doesn’t let go.
This year, as well as in previous years, God never let go. He held me, not by the tips of His fingers, but with the full strength and grasp of His two hands. He held on, not because of anything I have done, but because He calls me His own. He calls me adopted, a daughter of the King, and He does not let go of His children. Even when I am inconsistent, God our Father has never changed and will never change. He never left me, even in the times when I was tempted to let go (Psalm 139:9-10). There was not a single point in time where He was less in control, less worthy of trust, less consistent, or where He was anything but the unchanging, all-knowing, sovereign, perfect God that He always has been and always will be. He stays the same, back before the creation of the earth as well as into eternity. Even when my heart fluctuates, He holds on. He held onto me, not only in 2020, but for my entire life up until this point. I confidently say He will continue to hold on until I walk through the gates into an eternity with Him (Psalm 73:23-24).
2020. Held. What a year.
***
Scripture references:
Matthew 14:28-31
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” He said, “why did you doubt?”
2 Samuel 22:17-18
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
Psalm 139:9-10
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 73:23-24
Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
And afterward you will take me into glory.
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